how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
