I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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