I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Randomize
