This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
