she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize