Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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