white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Princesses don't give blow jobs
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
