so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
