I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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