I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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