he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
