I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
