I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
