sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
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