I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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