dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize