She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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