The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
