My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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