the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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