I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
