He asked to "fluff my boner.."
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
