hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
