I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
