I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Randomize
