Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
