hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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