My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
