I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
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