you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
