My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Randomize
