He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
