Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
