It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
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