Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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