you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
