Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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