today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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