ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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