I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
