I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize