maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Randomize
