i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
