I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
