He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
