Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
