thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
