I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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