Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
