Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
so explain again why im purple
no
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
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