I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
