just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Randomize
