he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
It's rum buckets o'clock
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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