did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
