you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
