I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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