Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
