What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
But break dance skills will only take you so far
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
