Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
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