That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
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